We all have- Injunctions (TA)- Change the can’ts to CANS- and GROW!

Do you have things in your life that seem to push you with should or musts.  Then maybe this blog is for you- you can choose- you may or might, and can, if you want.

Last week at Introvision training I was reminded to give myself permission when I think or feel I can’t. Transactional analysis (TA), a field of psychotherapy, has identified negative parental/familial “commands” you “learned” in very early life, often before you could talk, which are called injunctions.  The messages you received can come through modelling, rewarding certain behaviors or via direct expression. Sometimes they are not even given by the parent and the child creates them through misinterpretation of experiences. 

THERE IS a WAY out (healing): This is, according to TA, via catastrophe (act of God/ life threatening illness, etc.) or a true religious experience or therapy/supervision via permissions really learned.  This usually take some time, of course and cannot be accessed via our thoughts. 

Here’s a LIST of Injunctions- do you see yourself somewhere?

Don’t be (don’t exist). This is one of the most harmful messages. Maybe your parents did not want you in the first place; maybe you were a surprise; maybe your parents wanted to only be the child themselves; maybe they felt your needs were too much for what they could give.  You try to be useful to prove you deserve to live (people helping professions have this injunction). Sometimes you are a daring person and do things that are not careful (like hobbies that take risks and doing extreme sport)- suicide is a thought-possibility.

Permission: You may live your life.  You should live your own life.

Don’t be important. This is also very harmful. You (and or your needs) might have been ignored when small because your parents didn’t think they were important, there were a lot of kids, the situation was difficult, you were a latch-key child (in extreme cases, maybe there was a depression or a war, or you were an orphan or even on the street). Or you had parents who said, ‘Children are to be seen and not be heard’ and/or ‘You should not talk at the dinner table.’  As an adult you can’t stand being (and sometimes others being) in the limelight. 

Permission: You and all your needs (thoughts, emotions, desires and discoveries) are important.

Don’t need anything (don’t ask for anything).  Your needs were ignored when small because there were a lot of kids, the situation was difficult, you were a latch-key child (in extreme cases, maybe there was a depression or a war, or you were an orphan or even on the street). Now you usually can’t say what you want because you don’t know.

Permission:  You may have needs, dreams, wishes and wants, and they deserve to be heard and fulfilled and be happy.

Don’t make it in your life; don’t succeed. You feel loyalty to be no better or do no better than your parents.  (systemic/hierarchical order) Or did your parents set unattainable standards, so it was impossible for you to succeed? It could be that your parents were unconsciously jealous and did not want you to.  As an adult, “I’m not a (doctor/lawyer/academic) type”; maybe your are a repeat alcoholic, or fail at your job because your mom/dad did; maybe you can’t finish your studies, or you do something “easy” because you don’t want to show off and surpass the rest of your family.

Permission:  You may do it, you can succeed.  You may reach your (hidden or wildest) goals.  Your goals that you reach can be higher than what your parents/family did.

Don’t feel (in your body or emotions). When you cried or were upset, you might not have received what you needed or the adults may not have acknowledged your needs. They might have said things like: ‘Big boys don’t cry’ or ‘nice girls do not get angry.’ Do you have tears leaving your eyes when you get angry? Do you get angry when you really are sad? You may have learned to substitute certain emotions with others that were more acceptable in your home.  Also, the (TA) driver, be strong, is often your motto. Thus, getting hurt is “nothing” and you may get into self-harming activities.

Permission: You may have your own feelings (and body impressions) and take them seriously.

Don’t be close (physically and emotionally): Your parents/family might have felt uncomfortable with physical intimacy and did not show much affection. Otherwise, you may have learned not to trust others or not to share your life.

Permission: You may get close and be intimate.  You may choose again and again whether you want to be close or not, your choice.  You don’t have to keep your distance to be safe.

Don’t belong: You might have looked different from most people in your environment (eg: adoptive children, or red heads, or visibly handicapped children). Your parents “judged” your friends and any group you attached yourself to, whether better or worse. (We don’t associate with those kind of people). You may have moved around a lot as a child. As an adult you either keep yourself outside, make sure you are different, or try to join where you really don’t belong (eg, try to be part of the UK royalty).

Permission: You can and do belong (somewhere).  You can participate in a group, you may take part in a group that will accept you.

Don’t be a child. This message is usually sent to first-born children. You might have been asked to look after your siblings and be responsible or been told not to make mistakes or act in a silly manner. Do you tend to have the weight of the world on your shoulders?  Do you take on too much responsibility for others; are you a helper?

Permission:  You can act out from your inner child.  You may be playful, joyful, funny and have fun.  You can take time to party, joke and celebrate.

Don’t grow up. This message is usually directed to the youngest child in the family. It is worse when the parents do not have a strong relationship between them. They derive meaning from having a ‘baby’ to look after and you may have complied by being immature, by acting out or delaying leaving home.  ‘Sometimes, you dress and move “immaturely” (eg a 50 year-old acting/dressing like a teen)

Permission: You may live your life as a responsible adult, separate from your parents, working and living away from them successfully.  You can take responsibility and live alone successfully as an adult.

Don’t do anything. “Don’t run so fast.’ ‘Don’t climb so high.’ ‘Always wash your hands before and after eating.’ ‘Here, I’ll do it for you.’ Your parents seemed to do everything for you. They were too afraid for your safety and had a high level of anxiety about your (and their) safety.  Now, as an adult, you may start things, but not finish them. You feel like you are not going to do anything, since everything you do may be wrong.  You may struggle to make decisions as you think the world is a very scary place.

Permission: You may be brave.  You can be brave. You may be courageous.  You may and can make your own decisions, weighing and deciding what you want to do.

Don’t be who you are. Maybe your parents wanted you to be more like them and less like you or maybe they had different expectations about your appearance or your personality and maybe they wanted you to be a different gender than you are.  You may be a “replacement child” of one who died, or even, unfortunately these days, one that is a planned organ-doner for a sibling.  You often don’t feel comfortable in your own skin, may have gender issues or become (career) something you don’t even want to.

Permission: You may be who you are in your personal identity, with all your strengths, gifts and weaknesses.

Don’t think, don’t have your own thoughts and discoveries. When you started questioning everything as a toddler, your parents might have got annoyed. They discouraged you when you had a different opinion than they had (maybe they felt overwhelmed, or even jealous of your intelligence).  You came up with thoughts like, I’m stupid and it’s better just to do something (simple) rather than think too much.  Often these people feel easily overwhelmed with mental activities and have difficulties in learning later on.

Permission:  You may take your time to think and learn.  You are able to think and learn and have your own thoughts.

Don’t be well (or sane). Your parents only paid attention to you when you were not well and/or they rewarded bizarre behaviour so you have learned to get attention from others by being unwell or unstable.  Maybe there was a model of such activities/actions in your family that was either a tabu (exciting to be like) or a even positive (you want this kind of attention).  Sometimes it was the way you saw yourself (I am not normal like the others, I am special).

Permission: You may be healthy and show your strengths and can take on challenges.  You are you with all your normalities and don’t need to be strange or different to be special.

Don’t be happy or satisfied.  When someone else in your family was ill or depressed for much of your childhood, you might have felt (or been made to feel) guilty when you were happy.  Now you feel like if you are happy, then something is wrong.  There is always a BUT when you speak of good things happening, especially to you. Often as an adult you make/have accidents, you hurt yourself, are failures (or bad at) your job-relationship(s)-business.

Permission: You may be happy and satisfied with yourself and your life.  You can be happy and you can celebrate your life and your happiness/successes.

If you notice something you haven’t before about how you must or should live or be and the above blog spoke to you, maybe want to talk more about it with me.  Well then, give me a shout.  As of January 2020 I have room for one (or two, maximum) new clients.

All the best for the week and for Advent,

Patricia Jehle   patricia@jehle-coaching.com