Time to face the facts and move forward, take the feedback and really change.  Be wise.

When you are dealing with feedback you can either take it seriously and try to change or you can blame “the circumstances beyond your control” and avoid doing anything.  Sometimes, granted, the circumstances are beyond our control: covid, lockdowns, shifts in market demand are all beyond our control.  But how we respond to them are pretty much under our control. 

The difference is when you get sincere feedback about how you behave regarding these and other circumstances, you can either work on a change or blame something or someone else.  Henry Cloud says that’s the difference between a wise and a fool- the wise takes responsibility for their (re-)actions and attempts to change and the fool blames something or someone else so they don’t have to change their behavior.

Let’s look at feedback suggestions and remember what Brené Brown says about feedback (taken from her website): feedback is about a relationship and about actions and it is not “a problem between” two people but a situation to recognize, clarify and an opportunity for growth and change in the way we act.  That’s the problem the fool faces because change is not what the fool wants.

The fool will twist the facts so that change is near impossible and in no way is it  “my responsibility”.

So, are you more of a fool when it comes to change or more of a wise person, because the only (re-)action we can change is our own, and we have to take ownership for or responsibilities, whether they are work or home/self-oriented?.

Let’s look at rules and regulations, as an example.  I read yesterday about a man in a town in the US who said that it wasn’t his responsibility to follow the laws of the town regarding cleanliness in his yard, so he leaves old cars and garbage in it, rather than getting rid of his junk, which is, according to the law of that town, his responsibility.  In my mind, this is a good example of a fool.  He either (or both) a) doesn’t see the problem, and if there is one, b) he says it does not “apply” to him.  

What rules and regulations would you wish not to have to follow that are part of your duty as a resident or a citizen of where you are at the moment? 

Disagreeing but still being a part of the community by supporting the “common good” and adhering to the rules is really a wise thing to do, in most cases.  

There are, of course situations, such as Russia at the moment where protest is maybe the way to be a good citizen, but those kinds of situations are really the exception and not the rule.  Personally, there can be instances of abuse at home or work that also need special addressing, too.  I am not talking about these instances.

So, when your boss or your spouse or your parent/someone else you trust comes and suggest some feedback for change do you get defensive and try to blame others/or say you cannot help it (the foolish response) or do you try and take the feedback as a relational suggestion for growth.  

Of course, this presupposes that the feedback is meant well, too (also in the downloads on the Brené Brown site).  Well-meaning helpful suggestions are given not for one-upmanship, but for genuine care of the person in front of us.

This week, when you are offered some feedback, watch how you respond and evaluate yourself – and try and be wise.

Have a great week!

Patricia Jehle               patricia@jehle-coaching.com