Resilience – Rumbling and being Happy 

 

We are talking a lot about burnout and especially resilience these days; in fact, burnout is now officially a psychological syndrome.  Resilience is what you need to help prevent burnout. 

What really helps a person get up and keep on going when something happens that is a set-back, whether big or small?  What makes a person resilient?  

You’d be surprised.  

It’s not a “I’ve got it, I can do it. I’m okay.”  And I then “stuff” my feelings deep down and keep going kind of action and attitude. It’s not GRIT.

Resilience is a lot about those soft skills, or “EQ” and a lot about what makes us healthy and happy:  

·       It’s being honest and open about your feelings; it’s vulnerability. 

·       It’s being curious where those (especially what we think of as negative) thoughts and feelings come from and letting yourself go with them for the moment. 

·       It’s being compassionate with yourself (and with others) when you (they) fail.

·       It’s finding and acknowledging those false assumptions and putting a correct one in its place; - this is key, and not easy!

·       It’s learning from the mistake and putting new practices in place.  

·       It’s not only about healthy mindsets, but also about healthy lifestyles and relationships.

When it comes to our thoughts and emotions and that struggle to see what’s really happening, then its really about what’s going on inside of us.

Brené Brown calls this the rumble.

Do you want to be a resilient person?  Then this is what you need to start doing:

1) Be honest with yourself about your emotions and thoughts

Be honest about what you are thinking and feeing, at least with yourself and those closest to you.  Sometimes, we are not very adept at naming and understanding our feelings so then you can google a list, if you need to.

Emotions are neutral - one should not call certain emotions “negative emotions”.  But they do show things about what is going on inside you.  They give clues to what is happening inside and how you can change.

2) Get curious about the feelings and thoughts that occur when you have a “facedown experience”, a set-back, when life is going rough

There is something that happened that might have triggered “old patterns” of response in you, that bring back the worn, over-played stories we tell ourselves about ourselves, about others and life, in general.  We need to explore these patterned responses to figure out what is really going on within ourselves.

To do that you 

3) Have to give yourself – and others – some space to be human, some compassion

We are all human.  We will make always mistakes and we will never be perfect.  In fact, to really improve, we must admit our mistakes and then we can learn from them.  When you allow self-compassion and compassion for others, you are able to change and allow others space for change.  We must remember that most people are really doing the best they can with the tools they have.  

4) Watch for false assumptions and untrue stories you tell yourself.  Don’t judge!

Often, we tell ourselves false stories like, “I’m a failure!” or “S/He really doesn’t like me.”  We assume way too much that is just not true.  Some of the best questions go in this direction, focusing on what we are assuming and whether it is true or partially true.  We often judge ourselves, and others, much too quickly and often falsely.  

5) We must find and then put what is true into the place of the false assumptions and move on with those truths

When we live by what we know is true, we can become more resilient and, not only that, but we can also become more whole, as a human being.  And that is a very good thing.

6) Then, we must think about our new learning points and put them into practice for “the next time”

When we learn things about ourselves (and others), we need to put those learning points into practice, so they are not forgotten. Then those new insights can be applied for the next facedown experience.  We know it is only a matter of time before another set-back, failure, another issue, will occur.

Happiness

THEN there’s the “happiness factor”.  Being happy is highly related to being resilient… but…

Happiness is illusive

Happiness is attained in several ways

Happiness is highly related to resilience practices

So, are you happy? 

I am, even though I have a lot of work ahead of me, I see what that work will hopefully attain.

The tough parts of my near future as seen as my steppingstones to reach the top, my goal(s).  The time and energy needed to get there are seen as necessary expenditures to reaching my mountain top (where there is a wonderful carousel restaurant and a party).  My top is self-defined, by the way.

I repeat, are you happy?

How is happiness attained?

1.     In a job well-done (and if possible, within the time and financial constraints)

2.     In (finally) reaching a goal

But also, in:

·       Healthy activity for mind, body, and soul (and all the underlying goals to be reached – tombs are written on this, but the words mindfulness, centeredness and joy come to mind))

·       Good (healthy, safe, fun, reliable) relationships where I can be myself and share myself

·       Doing good to others, especially “strangers” (no kidding!)

·       Being grateful for the past, savoring the present and looking to the future with hope - my favorite “mantra”.

·       Being happy about your job and what that job contributes to “the greater good”

Again, are you happy? What does “happy” mean for you?

Where do you need to change to be happier?  Your thinking? Your focus? Your situation? Your activity?

Or…

Maybe you should focus on a different word: contentment?

Here’s an example:

Maybe you see no point in your job; you can either find some meaning in it (and usually there is something) or you can find a job (or company) you find more meaningful.  Do you see everything in the negative? (find one thing and - be grateful and savor and be hopeful for it).

What is making you unhappy?  

Is it just “for a season”, then let it be as it will resolve itself. If it’s long-term, how can you see it in a different light (like I do with my steppingstones)? Otherwise, how can you change your situation? 

You almost always have a choice.

Even in prison, Nelson Mandela made a choice to see his bars in a positive way.

-       Just saying.

So, what can you do today and this week to move toward happiness and increase your happiness quotient?

Maybe you prefer the word “content” because that is more sustainable.  Maybe I prefer it, too.

Time for reflection:  What has happened to you recently that you should rumble (reflect) with?  What were your feelings about it?  What were your immediate actions/reactions and what were the stories (assumptions) you were telling yourself?  What was really true?  How can you live by the truth and not the false assumptions, and thus move on?  What have you learned from the whole experience?

What has kept you going recently? What habits are life-giving? Which should be given up? Which should be cut back? What do I need to change immediately and what can wait – or be planned for?

Enjoy your reflecting, being “happy” - and rumbling!

Patricia Jehle               www.jehle-coaching.com

Email me: patriicia@jehle-coaching.com