Relationships Build Resilience
One of the big parts of stress is something that you can control: how resilient are you?
Start with your relationships, for one!
Research has shown that mutually supportive relationships are key to stress reduction and resilience.
What does a good relationship look like? How do I develop and grow in my relationships?
1. Be an active listener.
· Reflect back what you have heard (for clarity and connection).
· Paraphrase what you have heard, too.
· In the end or at a good place for a “pause”, summarize.
2. Be an empathetic listener – use your eyes, ears, brain and hart to listen. I think “walking in their shoes” is what is the common metaphor for this.
First, make sure your heart and mind are in the right place to listen - a calm state to receive the person’s message. Then there are similar stages to active listening for empathetic listening (from Steven Covey): reflecting back or mimicking what has been said and then rephrasing the content. Then you focus on EMOTIONS: reflecting and rephrasing the emotions being shared. This allows the speaker to feel more heard and accepted. Then trust can be built.
3. Be Vulnerable as a Model so your friend is allowed to be Vulnerable, too.
Of course, there is the connection of things in common and an emotional connection that cannot be “made”. You just gel with certain people and with others, it is more difficult to connect to.
Then there are the aspects of trust and time spent with the person, as well, but I will look at parts one and two for this week and part three for next.
Active listening is a great way to hear any message, especially when content is king and emotions are more like dukes and rooks in the situation. It is great to practice this with activities and “stories”. It is identified as a way of listening instead of a type of listening. This listening method focuses entirely on what the other person is saying. The listener then confirms the content of what was heard and the feelings the speaker projects about the message
Empathetic Listening is when content is less important than the attached emotions., but of course, you use active listening as a tool, here, as well. But with this situation, you need to take a step back and breathe first. Empathetic listening might be very useful when emotions are running high on both sides of the communication channel. It is also very useful to build trust when there is a low level of trust. This is key for when the topic content is very important and meaningful. One of the ways this method is practice is with the Nonviolent Communication Model (NVC). You can look this up.
Maybe this week, you want to practice both active and empathetic listening with someone you trust to give honest feedback.
Last but not least, next week we will continue to talk about vulnerability in relationships and how all this helps you to be more resilient.
Have a good week listening to other people.
Patricia Jehle
This is an excerpt from my upcoming book on stress and resilience.