How can I manage my emotions?

Do my emotions have to do with resilience?

The short answer is yes. For better resilience, we need to manage our emotions better.

First we have to notice and name our emotions. With that awareness you are already half way there to better resilience are some ideas:

KEEP AN EMOTION “Log Book” to better track your emotions and become more aware of patterns.– what emotion did you have and what was the triggering experience,  also, what was the belief and or thought that you had with the emotion… do this for a few weeks and then look for patterns - be concrete about the triggering experience, the emotions and beliefs (and thoughts)- and then the patterns might become clearer. Maybe you have heard of the ABC model of managing emotions.

Here is an example using the ABC model:

ABC example

A-    Coworker tried to shrug off her responsibility on me without asking (via 3rd party).

B-    She’s trying to get me back for embarrassing moment in September – she’s “paid” for it and I did not have that moment, just her

C-    Anger and triumph (I didn’t do the work)

Then, here are the beliefs and thinking traps you may have and what to do/ask when you notice yourself doing this:

Eight Thinking Traps (how catastrophic are you thinking?)

Jump to conclusions- ask: am I sure? Really? – maybe I thought “She’s trying to get me in trouble”

Tunnel vision (don’t see the whole picture, cannot process everything in environment, usually after being broadsided)- ask: what is a fair assessment of the situation? How important is this for the Big Picture? – maybe I didn’t see that there was something important about the work that superseded all my other work (and I should have done it)

Over magnifying or Over minimizing- ask. is there a narrower (or larger) explanation than the one I assume?  Am I overlooking any problems? Am I dismissing something without looking carefully? – maybe I thought this was going to get me fired or that the mistake would not have an affect on the team.

Personalizing- ask: how much of this situation is due to me and how much is due to others? – Maybe I thought it was all about my colleague when, if fact I was partially to blame

Externalizing (discounting- “nobody can”)- the problem doesn’t exist, the problem is not a real problem, nobody can solve the problem, I can’t solve the problem)- TA theory – ask: what did I do to contribute to this situation? – Maybe I thought it didn’t matter because everyone does thes kinds of things and it “can’t be helped”

Overgeneralizing- ask: is this a realistic view of the situation or am I exaggerating? – maybe I thought that my colleague always acts this way so I was justified in my actions

Mind Reading- ask: Was I clear about my expectations from the beginning?  Am I expecting others to figure out what I think and want? – Maybe I knew that my colleague just wanted to get me into trouble (and this is not really true)

Of course, there may be others poor ways of thinking about such situation.

Then, when you find your pattern(s):

Challenge your beliefs:

ABC a problem: A: what happened; B: what were my beliefs (& automatic. thoughts); C: how did I behave (or feel) as a result – TURN B into a question: does tis make sence and is the action afterwards a helpful one? Find a better belief (thought) about the situation

Finally, ask yourself:

What are my worst-case beliefs- how likely are they to really occur- what are my best-case beliefs and how about them- and solutions?- when was the last time I catastrophized (analyze it).

+Putting it into perspective:

Adversity (trigger):

Step 1 Worst-case      

Step 2 How likely?      

Step 3 Best case beliefs         

Step 4 likely result 

Step 5 Solutions

Beliefs- what are they and why?  Are they realistic? Do I need to adjust them?

With these reflections, you will become more resilient and the process of your thoughts and feelings might be more healthy.

Have a really resilient week,

Patricia Jehle   patricia@jehle-coaching.com

 

 ‘I have been “out” for a few weeks after a hip replacement, but all is well and I am getting back into things.