Sometimes we are triggered. Stress and certain situations can trigger us. Sometimes the triggers come from childhood, or we want to protect ourselves.

This is where the infamous fight, flight, freeze or faun reactions come from.

Yesterday I watched a few triggered people react and , although it is not fun, it can help us learn about ourselves and do better next time.

I was also triggered and was able to keep calm and process it later with a safe person. For that I am grateful.

You also have triggers.

The question is: are you able to process your triggers and how do you do it?

The first step is personal awareness.

Awareness of yourself: your triggers and your personal state (tiredness level, or are you ill, or in a fragile place, emotionally).

Awareness of what triggers you: self-consciousness (“everyone is looking at me”); being discounted (this is one of mine); feeling of being controlled (most of us have this, and yesterday, that was one of the triggers, I believe, I saw in another person); feeling of being taken advantage of; previous negative relational experiences (loneliness, being smothered); boundary breaches; feeling physically or emotionally attacked ourselves or witnessing it (danger alert); etc. Many of these on the list would trigger me, but we have a personal mixture that almost “always gets us” and if we are aware, we can be better prepared and can be able to react more proactively and healthily.

Notice if you are hyper aroused.

When we’re triggered, cortisol and adrenaline course through us — so we might feel fragile, disorganized, and disoriented. We’re unable to self-regulate in that moment, so first it is best to focus on calming ourselves down.

To do this, have some favorite relaxation techniques at the ready. Take

a deep breath. Go for a quick walk around the block. Head to the bathroom and splash your face with cold water. Do a series of deep breathing exercises in a safe and quiet place… Talk to me for more of these.

But do not fight the trigger, as then the emotions fight back and become stronger. Accept it and trust yourself that this, too, can be handled. After all, you have made it this far, haven’t you?

The second step is to learn from your experiences.

What emotion(s) is coming up and why is it there? There are basic emotions, and often anger is the first one when we are triggered, but even more often BEHIND that anger is fear. We do not like showing vulnerability, wo we hid that fear with our anger. Whatever the emotions, which ones am I comfortable with is a great question, but even more so, which emotions am I uncomfortable with and why are wonderful to contemplate. Then learn about this and be able to name the emotions and express yourself in helpful ways, without attacking the person who might have triggered you.

Also, it is often best to try to learn to take these triggering moments less personally. For me, I believe this is a lifelong process. “Let it go” is easily said and hard to do.

Finally, work on expressing your reaction wisely.

Get curious.

Often it is important to get curious (if you fee safe enough). Get curious about yourself first (see the awareness and learning sections above  again).

But then get curious about the other person. They are triggered, too (or maybe even more). A famous saying is “Be quick to listen and slow to speak.”

Often someone is triggered because they are actually projecting their own issues on you. (or you are on them)

Or it could be that they are avoiding accepting that the did something wrong and are blaming you, which is also a kind of projection.

Dealing with the other person is the hardest part for me, but here are a few ideas:

Repeat back (almost exactly) what the person said to you, very slowly, when someone is saying insulting or shaming words. This can cause a pause in the situation.

When possible (and sometimes it is not), I use humor. I find that very helpful because the mood of the conversation changes. Humor uses (partial) truth to break the atmosphere and release stress.

When you need some more help, you can contact me.

Patricia Jehle               patricia@jehle-coaching.com             www.jehle-coaching.com