Who can you trust?

I don’t know about you, but I have been burned a few times and now do some vetting before I trust someone or anew partner in business, and even when they have won my trust, it’s still never a “blind” trust.  I keep my eyes wide open.  I am still learning how to be less gullible, how about you?

So, how do you trust someone and when do you decide to let it go?

First, when they are complete strangers, beware, even if they “speak your language”.  Be careful and wise, and don’t let just anyone, especially strangers from the internet get “close” to you!

Ask around and find someone who can vouch for the person (or not).  This is especially important when applying for a job (know the company and if possible, the boss) and when hiring (get a reference from someone you know if at all possible- someone who knows why they are leaving their previous job).  I had a conversation with a client today about this very thing: do I hire this person when he is not telling the whole truth?  Vetting is really important.  Is the information given to you true and never only partially true (or the partial truth)?

When that is not possible, try for frequent meetings before making a concrete decision for a yes, or no.  Talk about mutual expectations and what boundaries you both have. 

Then, you can look for similar values and goals.  For example, I want to help people, so that is an important value to me and a goal for me is to reach out to people and make sure they are cared for and included in society.

When you do not feel that trust because there are any red flags, sever the relationship if you can.  It’s in your best interest.

Deciding: Your (and Their) “Why” is important!

Why do you choose to do something and not another alternative?  A friend has chosen not to do an activity because of what others will think or say of the choice.  I saw some red flags; do you?

There are a number of reasons not to do something, but “what people will say” is one of the last reasons on my list.  How about your whys?

Here are some good reasons not to do something:

·      It’s illegal.

·      It will hurt someone.

·      I don’t want to do it.

·      I don’t have the money or want to spend the money on it.

It’s illegal

I follow the laws of the land, attempting to be a good citizen, not out of fear, but the support the social system.  This means, for example, I pay for my garbage bag stickers and put my garbage in them, and not at some random public garbage can.  I do however, put found garbage and my chewing gum in public cans. Also, is your future partner following due diligence?  That’s a key point.

This activity will hurt someone

Most of us know a lot of information that could hurt someone else, either personally or professionally.  If I choose to share information, say via the internet, that would be hurtful, and I wouldn’t do it.  Hurting people for my perceived gain is not something I do, even when it feels more like vilifying myself than “gaining”. 

I also follow my heart (my gut)

If I don’t want to do something and I don’t have to do it, I say “no”.  I have to do my own taxes, but I don’t have to say yes to doing someone else’s taxes or other projects.  If I’m not passionate about it, why spend time on it?  In then end, it would be doing that person (and the project) a disservice, since my heart would not be in it, I wouldn’t give my all for it.  So, I follow my heart.  

Also, if I am obsessing about a decision, I find that a red flag for me- too much energy spent on nothing means I should “give it up”.  Sleepless nights are usually a sign it’s time to end something or to say no to something.

Instead, follow your passion. Following your positive heart yearnings leads to doing the things you are passionate about.  This, in turn, further leads to greater personal and work performance, and a happier and more fulfilled life as a result. 

What’s then to lose when you say “no“ to the wrong things, and say “yes“ to the right things?

FINALLY: Economic reasons 

If I don’t have the money, I often choose to say no to an activity, or also, if I think that the activity is too expensive for the return, I won’t go ahead.  Thus, I have bootstrapped my company so far and I am satisfied with the results.

Don’t EVER decide from fear; it’s a trap!

My friend used the word fear a lot in this conversation about not wanting to do something – for fear of what others say.  

Personally, I really don’t want to make any fear-driven decisions because, according to neurologists and other people who know a lot about the brain and decision-making, when one feels fear the brain is “stuck” in the most reptilian-like part of the brain.  Thus, flight and fight (freeze and fake) are the normal responses during fear, and not our regular logical decision-making processes.  Not very healthy or logical in its working, this lizard-like part of the brain is analysis-free and not helpful in decision-making.

So, when you make new partnerships, enter into new endeavors, or take/offer a job, take your time and vet the person or people.  Make sure they are telling the (whole) truth and that you can trust them, but if at all possible, make a way of escape, too.  

Whenever you do make a new partnership, have an “escape clause” for both parties so that you can leave peaceably. Then, maybe, one day you can both come back when the timing and the environment is right.

Have a great week.

Patricia Jehle                patricia@jehle-coaching.com