Fear? It’s normal!

When I was a child I loved Dr. Seuss and one of my very favorite stories was about a pair of pale green pants with “nobody inside them”.  In some ways the story was about people who were different from me, but really, in the end, were very like me.  

It was about fear of the unknown.  

It was about being afraid of something quite harmless.

We all have fears, and fear is normal. We are made to have fear so we run away from imminent danger.  

But sometimes our fear goes “sideways” and comes out in the “wrong place.  

Sometimes we are afraid of the wrong things. 

Sometimes fear overwhelms and gets us in a stuck place.

Let’s look at some of our wrong responses to fear and now start with my success story about fear that happened this month.

My fear success story

I have a client who is returning for more coaching and in my group peer-coaching time with colleagues I brought up the fact “I want to be prepared” for that first meeting to feel more secure.  A wise colleague dug a bit into my need for security (something I have, a need for a bit of control, etc…) and asked the all-important “why question”.  

It turns out, though that my fear was really about something else, and we could talk about that real fear and I saw it for what it was and then we talked about my REAL needed security and how to make me feel  (and be more) safe.  

This was a most helpful conversation for two reasons- I found ways to care for myself AND most of all, I found the real reason for my fear and need for security. I give thanks to a dear colleague and friend, Francois Pinaton, for this enlightening conversation!

What is the real reason you are acting out (in fear or anger as anger often hides fear)? Is it a fear that is serious (mine was, but it took some digging) - or is it a perceived fear? Or is it somewhere in-between- something more like a threat or possibility, for example, “I may lose my job.”  Then the question that may help you is:

What is the worse thing that could happen? And: Is that really the worst thing that could happen, ever? On a scale of 1-10, how bad would this be?

When you realize your fear is unfounded or the consequence(s) not so important, then you can move forward and make rational decisions based on facts and not hearsay.

Sometimes our fear “goes sideways” and comes out as anger or acting out in a way that is disruptive or even damaging to either yourself or others (in other words, ANGER that hides your fear).  Maybe a certain fear is why so much raging is going on in the world: fear of COVID and all the aftershocks? It’s a thought.

Are we afraid of the wrong things? Sometimes we have biased thinking that gets really problematic and makes us afraid of something that is not really a danger and even ignore something that is. A friend of mine, Roseanne Moore, has introduced me to a “children’s” booked called, “An Illustrated Book of Bad Arguments”, which I hope to pick up at the end of the month.

Finally, sometimes we freeze due to fear. This is actually a normal biological response to a danger: fight, flight or freeze.  But it isn’t helpful in our world to freeze, so what can we do?

·      Breathe- some even have a prepared response for this (I’m teaching a presentation course on Friday morning and will introduce this for the students).

·      Notice your body and what it is doing.  Then, turn your attention to the outside environment: What am I seeing, smelling and hearing (each one or two things)? This distracts you and gets your brain working again. There is also the 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 grounding exercise if you are really stuck. Look it up.

·      You can practice R.AI.N., which is also very helpful:

1.     R is for recognize what is happening inside me

2.     A is for accept and allow that fear to be there, almost “rest in it” for just a moment.  Give the fear permission to be.

3.     I is for investigate: get curious about what my body feels, what my thoughts are, what is really happening in my mind, what my feelings and emotions are and finally, why the fear is happening (like with my fear in the success story)

4.     N is for note or notice- notice and accept the feelings and thought but remember they come and go. And let them go, if possible, remembering that if they stay, they are still transient and never permanent.

·      Finally, move a few times- perhaps this can also be pre-planned. Maybe you are going to tell your boss that you are quitting, or you have to give your boss some negative feedback… maybe you can practice clenching and unclenching your hand or pulling your ear as a focus on the body during the meeting.  Before maybe you can stand in the “Wonder Woman Pose” (a la Amy Cuddy) and smile at yourself in a bathroom mirror, and after you can go for a short walk.  All of this helps move you away from freezing.

When you consider your fear and your anger try and reflect on these things and find the why behind everything (the why behind all the other whys). This will help you to get unstuck to move forward in a positive direction and to change for your (and our) good.

Have a week full of reflection and positive movement!

Patricia Jehle               patricia@jehle-coaching.com