What has emotional intelligence got to do with virtues?
We have talked about the seven deadly sins, and their “opposites”, the seven virtues and now I want to tie in EQ – Emotional Intelligence.
But what is Emotional Intelligence? It is composed of four areas:
1. Self-awareness (know yourself, your strengths and weaknesses- this could be the virtue of humility)
2. Self-management (this would include the virtues of diligence, temperance, and chastity)
3. Social awareness (this would include the virtues of charity/good works and kindness)
4. Relationship management (this would be the virtue of patience but also include the virtues of charity/good works and kindness)
Consider (YET ANOTHER SET OF REFLECTION QUESTIONS FOR YOU IN THIS ADVENT SEASON – and finally, the last bits of reflection (questions) are below)
· So, know who we are and be really honest about it. WHERE DO I NEED SOME CHANGING, ESPECIALLY WITH MY ATTITUDE TOWARDS MYSELF AND TOWARDS OTHERS?
· Then watch how we act, with respect to our consumption and to the way we treat and see others.
· At this time of year, we often look to “our neighbors” and their needs. Whether nearby or far off, people are in need. Let us pay attend to other people and THEIR needs, not just our own perceived needs.
· Finally, let’s have a look at our relationships with friends, family, and colleagues. Am I giving for the sake of love or am I being transactional? How can I be more loving and giving to the people around me?
I’ve been thinking about emotional intelligence and then integrity again recently, since the news is full of questions regarding certain people’s integrity.
Integrity is needed for REAL success, in my opinion.
When you add Emotional Intelligence to Integrity you come up with a winning combination whether it comes to a new hire, to a new start-up team member, or also, when meeting new people. These are the people, even if they are of the introvert style, that your potential clients and partners are drawn to.
One of the best ways to look where who we are meets with what we do, how we do it and why we do it – this is quite like our emotional intelligence.
Let’s move in this position direction with our whole hearts, keeping our trustworthiness and conscientiousness foremost in our actions. This is also very much like diligence, one of the seven virtues.
Remember that our effectiveness is lost when we do something that is not in congruence with our character, values, and goals.
When we try to take short cuts by hurting others and climbing over their backs, we are hurting ourselves as much as our colleagues. Thus, being transparent about decisions when you are a manager or in any kind of leadership will keep you true to yourself and to your goals. It will keep you accountable and on track for success.
So, keep your eyes on the goal and remember what Shakespeare wrote in Hamlet, “To thine own (and to others, I might add) self be true”.
Here is an example of “how to do EQ” by rumbling with our issues:
What helps a person get up and keep going when something happens that is a set-back, big or small? What makes a person resilient? You’d be surprised. It’s not a “I’ve got it, I can do it. I’m okay.” I then stuff my feelings deep down and keep going.
It’s all those soft skills, or EQ:
· It’s being honest and open about your feelings; it’s vulnerability.
· It’s being curious where those thoughts and feelings come from and letting yourself go with them for the moment.
· It’s being compassionate with yourself and with others when you fail.
· It’s finding and acknowledging those false assumptions and putting a correct one in its place;
· And it’s learning from the mistake and putting new practices in place.
Brené Brown calls this the rumble. Rumble is her way of saying reflection.
Do you want to be a resilient person? Then this is what you need to start doing:
1) Know and be honest about your emotions
Be honest about what you are thinking and feeling, at least with yourself and those closest to you. Sometimes, we are not very adept at naming and understanding our feelings and then you can google a list, if you need to.
Emotions are neutral - one should not call certain emotions “negative emotions”. But they do show things about what is going on inside you. They give clues to what is happening inside and how you can change.
2) Get curious about the feelings and thoughts that occur when you have a “facedown experience”, a set-back
There is something that happened that might have triggered “old patterns” of response in you, that bring back the worn, over-played stories we tell ourselves about ourselves, about others and life, in general. We need to explore these responses to figure out what is really going on within ourselves.
To do that you
3) Have to give yourself – and others – some space to be human, some compassion
We are all human. We will make always mistakes and we will never be perfect. In fact, to really improve, we must admit our mistakes. What an interesting puzzle. When you allow self-compassion and compassion for others to rule your way of dealing with life, you can see things more clearly. You are able to change and allow others space for change. We must remember that most people are really doing the best they can with what tools they have.
4) Watch out false assumptions and stories you tell yourself. Don’t judge!
Often, we tell ourselves false stories at this point, “I’m a failure!” or “S/He really doesn’t like me.” We assume way too much that is just not true. Some of the best coaching questions go in this direction, focusing on what we are assuming and whether or not it is true or partially true. We often judge ourselves, and others, much too quickly and often falsely, as well.
5) We must find and then put what is true into the place of the false assumptions and move on with those truths
When we live by what we know is true, we can become more resilient and, not only that, but we can also become more whole, as a human being. And that is a very good thing.
6) Finally, we must think about our new learning points and put them into practice for “the next time”
When we learn things about ourselves (and others), we need to put those learning points into practice, so they are not forgotten. Then those new insights can be applied for the next facedown experience. We know it is only a matter of time before another set-back, failure, another issue, will occur.
This month we have been in “reflection mode”-
Maybe you are still working on the virtues- then look up “Good on You”, a way to see if the clothes you buy at Christmas and other times of the year are not made by slaves. Do you know the average cost of a human being is 8 dollars? And that there are 50 million slaves in the world today? This is a really big deal and being virtuous takes time and energy. Good on you https://goodonyou.eco is helpful. Maybe you want to keep this website bookmarked on your phone?
A Final Time for reflection on vices, virtues, EQ and rumbling: What has happened to you recently that you should rumble (reflect) with? What were you feeling about it? What were your immediate actions/reactions and what were the stories (assumptions) you were telling yourself? What was really true? How do you know it was/is true? How can you live by the truth and not the false assumptions, and thus move on? What have you learned from the whole experience?
Keep on reflecting!
Have a lovely Holiday Season,
Patricia Jehle
