Mind changing
Do you want to change someone’s mind?
I am thinking about just that…
What do they want is important
BUT why they want it is more important.
Not only do you need to know your own whys, but finding out their whys is very likely a key to success in “mind changing” – the more you focus on your own what’s and why you think you are right, the more the other person is likely to dig in and stay with their position. Forever.
That is exactly what you do not want: polarization.
There are more suggestions to consider:
Your demeanor is key- are you calm, assured, and not easily flustered?
It is key to be ready and self-assured, not looking vulnerable, yet open to discussion.
Also, try and put yourself in their shoes.
Are they stressed? Are they in great need?
What assumptions has their lifestyle, life story, culture and training built into them that are part of their life?
Empathy is a key to being heard, especially if someone is triggered.
Credit: I want to thank William Ury and his book: “Getting to Yes with Yourself” and his and Roger Fisher’s bestseller, “Getting to Yes” for much of these ides.
Of course, their ideas really help with when you are stuck – with yourself, too!
Professor Dr. William Ury of Harvard Business School called Getting to Yes with Yourself and I found some treasures to help us out of those stuck places in business and in life.
Here’s Ury’s 6-Step Model:
1. Put yourself in your shoes
2. Develop your inner BATNA
3. Reframe your picture
4. Stay in the Zone
5. Respect them, even if
6. Give and Receive
What this means, step-by-step:
· Put yourself in your own shoes means you need to understand your own feelings and needs before you can go anywhere near the business negotiation/ the other person you are dealing with. Ask yourself questions regarding your feelings and your deepest needs.
· Develop your inner BATNA refers to the famous Fisher/Ury negotiation concept Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement- what are you going to do if the deal doesn’t work out? In other words for yourself, take care of the deepest needs you have in this (and every) situation, no matter what happens. You are not a victim, take responsibility for your own needs.
· Reframe your picture is about how you see the world, and even the universe. See it as working for your and “the” good, and you will not live in the trap of scarcity. Remember, scarcity leads to decisions made from fear, which is to be avoided at all costs. Take decisions from a place of trust and abundance instead.
· Stay in the Zone refers to being in the present, not focusing on the past or future. It means letting go of the past and its problems and freeing yourself from anxiety about the future. Staying in the zone allows you to succeed. Hanging on to past regrets and hurts or worrying about tomorrow are not going to help in any way, and in fact, they hinder you from moving forward. Avoid all those “should” statements. That show you are either judging yourself or someone else, instead ask yourself, “what is the smallest thing I (or someone else) can do now to make a change?”
· Respect them even if is about how we treat each person with the respect due every human being. I don’t have to approve of the persons actions or beliefs. I don’t need to like the person. I just need to make a decision to treat the person with respect. I also can try and understand the person by “walking in their shoes” and trying to see the issue from their experiences and background.
· Give and Receive means that the most successful business people are givers and not takers, and that is according to research (Wharton Business School).
When you understand this concept, you are very likely to become unstuck and move forward in business, in negotiation, and in life.
You are also able to help others and help to possibly change their mind.
There are some good questions I as a coach can ask you about each step in Ury’s model to help you along your way to success.
Remember, do what you can (and don’t focus on what you can’t), and then to get to yes with yourself so you are more likely to move forward in business and in life. Then you can see what you want first; and learn what others want, second. AND third, you can find out the WH’Y behind, which is the key to success.
Have another successful week!
Patricia Jehle